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[Feb. 1st, 2010|11:12 pm] |
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ohgodwhathaveidoneviniscomingoverrightnowandidon'tknowwhat'sgoingtohappenbuti'mhappyandscaredandohgodwhathaveidone? |
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[Feb. 1st, 2010|09:51 pm] |
I still feel like crying, but I don't feel bad? How do I explain this....?
Got to talk to Vin, for an hour so far. He is seriously the only person I can talk to like this, and he's the only one who helps. It's nothing personal against anyone else, it's just I'm very secure talking to him, and I know he's not judging me, and I know he won't say anything to anyone ever, and we think the same way so he understands when I have problems like this.
I don't want to sleep around anymore.
I want someone to be there with me, a confidante, a friend, but more.
Vin thinks I should date someone fun and attractive, someone who I can come home to and hang out with and take my mind off of things. This is not a bad plan, but I just wonder what will happen when I start thinking, and when I will get sick of them. I don't want to be the apathetic person, but the alternative is to find someone I really connect with.
yeah, good luck with that.
So, I know that I still love Vin, but not in a "I have to be with him" kind of way. It's really funny how much he reminds me of Tony, whom I also still love. These are important people who are truly my friends, in the deepest sense of the word, each of them knows me in a way that is almost secret.
Tony knows my deep depressions, and my pain. He has been through the same. He knows the heights of my happiness, and my childishness.
Vin knows my cynicism, and how I struggle to make the world make sense in my head. He knows my lies. He is probably the only person who comes close to understanding my lies, and I think he knows them better than I do. Vin has seen me at my most basic, and he understands it.
ugh, I did not mean to bring Tony up at all....he won't talk to me. |
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[Feb. 1st, 2010|12:07 am] |
All I want to do is talk to Vin.
seriously, wtf happened today?
he's the only person I want to talk to right now.
I don't even want to talk to my journal. |
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[Jan. 25th, 2010|09:12 pm] |
I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?
Beating like a hammer?
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2010|09:53 pm] |
So, Kirsten said to me "I wouldn't bet against you in anything"
Is that true? Do I always get what I want?
When I stop and think about it, I feel like the answer is...yes.
As much as I bitch and complain, I do whatever I want, and I get the things I go for. That's kinda scary, perhaps I should have set my sights higher. I guess when I put my mind to something I'm the kind of person who will go to great lengths to get it, but I usually want something so badly that doing those things doesn't seem like work, or they don't seem bad, they're just ways to achieve an end.
Take Sunday night:
I want Vin, he has a girlfriend. I come to the party, I make eye contact, he returns it. Now, from here, this could have fallen apart, he could have ignored me, or called me out on my behavior, but no, he returned it. We texted throughout the night. Now, was this some devious plot in my mind to steal him from his girlfriend. no. Do I care that he has a girlfriend? no. This is normally something that would stop me, but in Vin's case it doesn't. Why? Because I want him that badly. We talked several times, in short spurts, finally he says, I'm going to walk to my car. Follow me. Did I plan this? no. Did I hope it would happen? yes. Did I take all the necessary steps for it to happen? you bet your sweet ass. He kissed me. I kissed back. We talked. and kissed more. He asked why I told him my feelings. I was honest. I said "In this situation, I have nothing to lose. I want you to know how I feel, and if you feel the same way, great. If you don't, well, I can't say that I don't care, but I have to know." I didn't get a straight answer, but that's ok for now. We kissed again, and he started to walk away. I yelled at him, "who said I was done?" becuase that's how I really feel about him and the whole situation. We kissed again.
I think the worst part about it is that I don't care about this girl. I mean, maybe I should feel bad that I betrayed her, or helped her boyfriend betray her. Maybe I'm just too jaded, because I really do believe people will do what they want to do and there's no stopping them. Maybe that's just a justification so that I can do what I want and not feel guilty, but even thinking that, I still don't feel bad. Why should I stop and consider someone else's feelings before my own? Especially someone I don't even know. Maybe that's cruel or cold. Maybe I'm cold. I've been told that before. I just think it's better to watch out for myself, and who's to say it's not? This makes me sound very self centered. I care about my friends, I do, for the most part. But there's only a certain extent you can go, and I feel like I do a pretty decent job, and I don't ask for anything in return.
Man, I sound bitter. But I'm smiling. Ever since Sunday, I've been smiling. |
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[Jan. 18th, 2010|06:22 pm] |
From Kirsten:
but, pssh, she doesnt know you then
just saying, i wouldn't bet against you in much of anything
strong man contest? nope. kristyn > lumberjack. you'll find a way to make him regret entering.
I am invincible. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 18th, 2010|03:14 am] |
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I kissed Vin even though he has a girlfriend. I don't care, really, and maybe that makes me a bad person, but I don't feel like it does. Drama drama drama. I'm done. I did what I wanted to do and it felt good. |
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| The saga continues... |
[Jan. 14th, 2010|01:16 pm] |
alright, since very few people read this anyway, I'm going to be honest. I had a twilight dream last night. Wait for it....I enjoyed it.
Just for recording purposes, I'm going to write it down, feel free to skip ahead to the rest of the post if you will.
Ok, I don't think I was Bella, I'm pretty sure it was just me! So, for some time I was being watched by a creepy man, who turns out is a werewolf (not like the kind in the books/movies) so, he tells me he is going to kill me, and begins stalking me. One night I see him waiting for me in the backyard. I know he is waiting for me to go to sleep. I told my dad to get his rifle and shoot it, but the wolf was gone when he went to do it. SO I went to sleep, knowing I would die, but somehow, I was alive the next morning. A miracle! I forget the details, but soon thereafter I (of course) meet Edward. I remember him giving me a piggy back ride through the parking lot at USF (weird, right?) we kissed at some point, and then somehow shit went down, and I was captured. I was in my own house, but no one could see or touch or hear me. Apparently, I had some younger siblings who had died in an accident, and I could see them, their ghosts were wandering about the house. And then rory from gilmore girls was there! and I forget the rest. it was strange.
Ok, onward.
So, I feel like I'm going crazy. Seriously, everything I've done lately has been completely selfish, but that's ok! Because this is the only time in my life when I can be this selfish! I keep saying that I don't want a relationship, that I can't make one work, and yet.....there's Vin. There's always Vin. Every time I walk away he is standing, smirking behind me. There's no one else in the world I connect to like Vin, no one who understands me like he does. Well, maybe Tony, but Tony won't even talk to me, which is an entirely seperate can of worms. The fact is (and these are Vin's words, not mine) that we're practically made for each other, but we both have really bad tendencies. And that's true, but knowing that, I'd rather work through that then waste my time with someone else. Ugh. So who knows, maybe we'll try again, maybe we won't, maybe it will all blow up in my face, but the point is that there's no knowing until we try. |
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[Jan. 4th, 2010|01:13 pm] |
how is it that I have gone from being hurt to doing the hurting? Why? I feel I've become to jaded for anyone. How does anyone think I'm something special? And they decide too fast. Within one day?!? how does that happen? I'm not ready for that. I'm not in a place to make things work. I just let people down. Now I've made several people feel bad. It just needs to stop.
No more. Please no more. |
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[Oct. 22nd, 2009|05:35 pm] |
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?
WHY NOW?!??!
it doesn't make any sense. It's like you have some sort of radar. hey, kristyn's happy, let's confuse her.
So...Vin called today, after weeks of nothing. After turning me down. After making me cry. He apologized. He misses me. He wants to see me.
Problem: I just started seeing someone. he's super nice. And completely different from Vin.
Why does this happen?
I like this new guy. Rob, he's fun and smart and nice.
But, there's this crazy deep connection I have with Vin.
He understands me better than anyone I've ever met.
What do I do? The smart thing says forget Vin, move on and go with rob. He's close, he's nice, he hasn't hurt you.
the other side says how can you say no to someone that gets you, who teaches you things, who makes you feel so good?
I guess I'll take things as they come, I have no better way. |
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| new hair. |
[Oct. 7th, 2009|07:49 pm] |
I loe cutting my hair. It always feels like a fresh start. and it's quite short :D
I'm excited for the weekend! but I have to write a paper :(
also....I'm not as upset by this whole situation as I thought. I had my day. I wallowed and smoked. a lot. but now I'm done. And that feels good. Maybe it's because nothing in my daily life has changed. I didn't see Vin ever, and I still don't. nothing new.
I can't wait to watch Glee!
I feel like there are so many new possibilities! hooray! |
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[Oct. 4th, 2009|06:27 am] |
beat me to the punch line and made a fool of me. strike three. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|03:40 am] |
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he beat me to the punch, and I can't stop crying. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|03:14 pm] |
Goddamn, this business is really lame
I gotta live on an island to find the juice
So you send me
your love
from all around the world
As if I could live on words and dreams and a million screams
oh, how I need a hand in mine to feel.
at least, that's how it feels. Thank you weezer.
My life has been waiting, arguing, and disappointment.
Seriously. I got into ANOTHER argument with Richard last night. it's bad, I just want to beat the hope out of him, but so far htat has proved impossible. I can even talk about VIn in front of him and he won't so much as blink.
Gah, and then there's Vin. I miss him everyday, and seeing him for a few hours is both elating and unsatisfying. It's torture. All we want is to be near each other, and that's nearly impossbile, yet we carry on. Who knows, maybe I'll see him next weekend, or maybe not for a month. One thing that gave me courage was Frenchie. Of all people, the silly french playboy gave me hope. Well, here's the story: Frenchie was involved with a girl in Sarasota (just like me and Vin) and they were just fuck buddies or whatever you want to call it. Well, a week ago he was heading down there to tell her that he wanted to be serious and make her his girlfriend. but before he could say anything, she told him she couldn't do it anymore, and now he's devastated. SO, I was talking to him about my situation and how I feel that it's fruitless and I was considering just giving up. He asked me how Vin made me feel. Happy, of course. Amazing, smart, wanted, like I'm the only person in the world worth talking to or being around. So, frenchie said, how can you give that up? you can't, so don't. Don't ever let happiness go, even if it only fades away, hang on to it as long as you can. So, I'm considering it. Who knows?
I finally cleaned my house, so that's a step in the right direction. however I am still dreadfully unmotivated at school. Oh well... |
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| Greetings from the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|07:56 pm] |
I am in Minnesota.
Why? Because in the tradition of this summer, something has gone terribly wrong. My grandma is reaslly sick, she was diagnosed with lung cancer, which has spread to her brain. So I'm up here for a "one last time" visit. rather depressing. She's not very coherent, and she just finished radiation therapy, but I think she's going to be too weak to go through chemo, so I don't think she has much time left. We (my dad and I) stopped by her house today to feed the cat, which we never saw. the place was a wreck. My grandma is a pack rat, and there is stuff everywhere, and my dad is trying to arrange it so that she won't be going back there (she's in assisted care right now). It's just not healthy. I took a ring of very old keys that were hanging off the wall. I'm not really sure why I did it, but there it is.
what else?
hm...well, the time I've spent with Vin has been interesting. There are some truly beautiful moments, but I've turned into such a skeptic that I think I've convinced myself that no one will ever make me really happy. Did I say skeptic? I think I meant pessimist...
Seriously though, we watched the Perseid Meteor shower and it was amazing. We sat outside for hours just talking about anything and everything. we watched dolphins and manatees swim by, had water fights, and just spent the summer doing nothing and loving every minute of it. He keeps talking about a serious relationship, but I think it's doomed to failure. However, this does not stop me from wanting to be his girlfriend. He's now in sarasota, and we've decided to just see how things go.
Asha's birthday was fun. I had a good time dancing, and I think that allowed me to get out some frustration. It also allowed me to get 2 phone numbers, which was an ego boost. yay ego boosts!
school starts monday (blegh)
I am broke (blegh)
My AC in the apartment broke (blegh)
ANd it may sound....I don't know the right word...But I'm really not looking for sympathy, or anything at all. I write in here to get my thoughts out. So comment if you will, I won't be upset either way, I just feel the need to write things down, and this is the best place to do it. |
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| Confefssion is... |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|10:58 am] |
Stay don't go.
At times you find that the truth is the best way out. |
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| this post is full of "feel", "maybe", and "stupid" |
[Jul. 26th, 2009|12:39 am] |
blegh. I'm typing to fill the silence. It's not that I have a ton of time on my hands. There is plenty of stuff to be done, like packing my stuff to get out of here, but once I stop I feel so very very restless.
I'm angry too. I heard this girl Nicki was spreading rumors that I slept with Vin before I broke up with Richard, which is a bold face lie. Why do people do that? I've never even had a conversation with her, and yet she feels the need to say things like that. Richard told me she also tried to get in his pants. Classy. I don't know why, but that bothers me. It bothered me when he told me he slept with Lauren. Maybe I'm still used to the idea that he's mine, or maybe I expected him to not do anything like that, which is stupid of me. It bothers me to think of him. I feel like....hm, how to put it? I feel like things could have been so much better, but even if we tried again, things would fall apart. It just sucks, when I think of what could have been. And now I'm dealing with the consequences of my actions. I keep feeling like I need to check up on him. Like I owe him something, but I don't know what. Sometimes I just have to talk to him, maybe because I'm used to him always being there.
Things with Vin are good, I guess. I love hanging out with him, even though we do absolutely nothing. We can sit and talk and smoke for hours...or days really. The whole situation is pretty futile though. He's going to Sarasota in a month, and neither of us wants to deal with the distance, or commitment. I like him a lot though, and that makes it tough. I wasn't expecting that. i was thinking we would hang out, maybe something would happen, and then we'd never see each other again. But I should've known myself better than that, I guess. Maybe I'm just being stupid about that too. I think I'm more interested in him than he is in me, which is my usual situation when it comes to guys. Well, ok, that's not true. He calls, and invites me over all the time, so maybe I just feel more invested because I'm lonely and paranoid. We actually made a pro-con list about us being in a relationship. It was pretty funny.
I also feel like a let down to those who have tried to be there for me. Asha basically told me to face my actions, and that I can't fault anyone but myself for what's going on, which is true, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I've been so flaky, sorry everyone.
I just want school to start so I can do my work and not think about this stuff anymore.
I feel boring. I have nothing to say to people anymore. |
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| as long as I don't run out of cigarettes... |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|08:38 pm] |
I am honest to god so bored.
I am working on my final, but I just can't focus. It only needs another 1/2 page, so I'm not worried. I still feel like I'm being blacklisted, even when others tell me I'm not. Somehow, I still don't get called when things happen. Maybe they're just trying to avoid an awkward situation because they invite richard? I don't know, but it still seems unfair. I could call someone. But I won't because I feel like I'm imposing or some stupid shit. and I have to work, and finish this exam, so I'm bound by time as well. I want to run away. People keep saying I don't seem like myself, but this is exactly how I was before I was dating richard. This is me, by myself. I go missing for days. I don't call anyone. I brood. I'm up and down. I'm angry and carefree. it's a weird mixture. hey, look at that, I'm writing. Something else I do when I'm alone. My situation is in some ways liberating, and in other ways trapped. I can do what I want when and where I want, but I don't know what I want to do. I have done a couple of stuid things, including saturday night. maybe I need to stop thinking. or start thinking more? who knows. |
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| I think it was chicken, maybe I'm a chicken. |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|02:37 pm] |
I dreamt I was eating out of an ashtray. I had to pick around the butts to get to the food, which somehow still tasted good. Maybe that's just my life right now, avoiding the bad and focusing on the small amount of good.
I also had a dream about archery...but it's a little fuzzy.
dream dictionary?
To see or use an ashtray in your dream, suggests that you are trying to rid yourself of former feelings/memories and your old ways. It symbolizes relationships that have been extinguished and no longer intact.� Alternatively, it may be related to feelings of anxieties or connected to your smoking habit, especially if you are trying to quit.
hah, o really?
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| Happy Birthday to me..... |
[May. 7th, 2008|09:53 pm] |
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hey, I can legally drink now. Just add it to the list of my amazing abilities. |
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