| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|05:35 pm] |
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?
WHY NOW?!??!
it doesn't make any sense. It's like you have some sort of radar. hey, kristyn's happy, let's confuse her.
So...Vin called today, after weeks of nothing. After turning me down. After making me cry. He apologized. He misses me. He wants to see me.
Problem: I just started seeing someone. he's super nice. And completely different from Vin.
Why does this happen?
I like this new guy. Rob, he's fun and smart and nice.
But, there's this crazy deep connection I have with Vin.
He understands me better than anyone I've ever met.
What do I do? The smart thing says forget Vin, move on and go with rob. He's close, he's nice, he hasn't hurt you.
the other side says how can you say no to someone that gets you, who teaches you things, who makes you feel so good?
I guess I'll take things as they come, I have no better way. |
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| new hair. |
[Oct. 7th, 2009|07:49 pm] |
I loe cutting my hair. It always feels like a fresh start. and it's quite short :D
I'm excited for the weekend! but I have to write a paper :(
also....I'm not as upset by this whole situation as I thought. I had my day. I wallowed and smoked. a lot. but now I'm done. And that feels good. Maybe it's because nothing in my daily life has changed. I didn't see Vin ever, and I still don't. nothing new.
I can't wait to watch Glee!
I feel like there are so many new possibilities! hooray! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|06:27 am] |
beat me to the punch line and made a fool of me. strike three. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|03:40 am] |
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he beat me to the punch, and I can't stop crying. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|03:14 pm] |
Goddamn, this business is really lame
I gotta live on an island to find the juice
So you send me
your love
from all around the world
As if I could live on words and dreams and a million screams
oh, how I need a hand in mine to feel.
at least, that's how it feels. Thank you weezer.
My life has been waiting, arguing, and disappointment.
Seriously. I got into ANOTHER argument with Richard last night. it's bad, I just want to beat the hope out of him, but so far htat has proved impossible. I can even talk about VIn in front of him and he won't so much as blink.
Gah, and then there's Vin. I miss him everyday, and seeing him for a few hours is both elating and unsatisfying. It's torture. All we want is to be near each other, and that's nearly impossbile, yet we carry on. Who knows, maybe I'll see him next weekend, or maybe not for a month. One thing that gave me courage was Frenchie. Of all people, the silly french playboy gave me hope. Well, here's the story: Frenchie was involved with a girl in Sarasota (just like me and Vin) and they were just fuck buddies or whatever you want to call it. Well, a week ago he was heading down there to tell her that he wanted to be serious and make her his girlfriend. but before he could say anything, she told him she couldn't do it anymore, and now he's devastated. SO, I was talking to him about my situation and how I feel that it's fruitless and I was considering just giving up. He asked me how Vin made me feel. Happy, of course. Amazing, smart, wanted, like I'm the only person in the world worth talking to or being around. So, frenchie said, how can you give that up? you can't, so don't. Don't ever let happiness go, even if it only fades away, hang on to it as long as you can. So, I'm considering it. Who knows?
I finally cleaned my house, so that's a step in the right direction. however I am still dreadfully unmotivated at school. Oh well... |
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| Greetings from the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|07:56 pm] |
I am in Minnesota.
Why? Because in the tradition of this summer, something has gone terribly wrong. My grandma is reaslly sick, she was diagnosed with lung cancer, which has spread to her brain. So I'm up here for a "one last time" visit. rather depressing. She's not very coherent, and she just finished radiation therapy, but I think she's going to be too weak to go through chemo, so I don't think she has much time left. We (my dad and I) stopped by her house today to feed the cat, which we never saw. the place was a wreck. My grandma is a pack rat, and there is stuff everywhere, and my dad is trying to arrange it so that she won't be going back there (she's in assisted care right now). It's just not healthy. I took a ring of very old keys that were hanging off the wall. I'm not really sure why I did it, but there it is.
what else?
hm...well, the time I've spent with Vin has been interesting. There are some truly beautiful moments, but I've turned into such a skeptic that I think I've convinced myself that no one will ever make me really happy. Did I say skeptic? I think I meant pessimist...
Seriously though, we watched the Perseid Meteor shower and it was amazing. We sat outside for hours just talking about anything and everything. we watched dolphins and manatees swim by, had water fights, and just spent the summer doing nothing and loving every minute of it. He keeps talking about a serious relationship, but I think it's doomed to failure. However, this does not stop me from wanting to be his girlfriend. He's now in sarasota, and we've decided to just see how things go.
Asha's birthday was fun. I had a good time dancing, and I think that allowed me to get out some frustration. It also allowed me to get 2 phone numbers, which was an ego boost. yay ego boosts!
school starts monday (blegh)
I am broke (blegh)
My AC in the apartment broke (blegh)
ANd it may sound....I don't know the right word...But I'm really not looking for sympathy, or anything at all. I write in here to get my thoughts out. So comment if you will, I won't be upset either way, I just feel the need to write things down, and this is the best place to do it. |
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| Confefssion is... |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|10:58 am] |
Stay don't go.
At times you find that the truth is the best way out. |
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| this post is full of "feel", "maybe", and "stupid" |
[Jul. 26th, 2009|12:39 am] |
blegh. I'm typing to fill the silence. It's not that I have a ton of time on my hands. There is plenty of stuff to be done, like packing my stuff to get out of here, but once I stop I feel so very very restless.
I'm angry too. I heard this girl Nicki was spreading rumors that I slept with Vin before I broke up with Richard, which is a bold face lie. Why do people do that? I've never even had a conversation with her, and yet she feels the need to say things like that. Richard told me she also tried to get in his pants. Classy. I don't know why, but that bothers me. It bothered me when he told me he slept with Lauren. Maybe I'm still used to the idea that he's mine, or maybe I expected him to not do anything like that, which is stupid of me. It bothers me to think of him. I feel like....hm, how to put it? I feel like things could have been so much better, but even if we tried again, things would fall apart. It just sucks, when I think of what could have been. And now I'm dealing with the consequences of my actions. I keep feeling like I need to check up on him. Like I owe him something, but I don't know what. Sometimes I just have to talk to him, maybe because I'm used to him always being there.
Things with Vin are good, I guess. I love hanging out with him, even though we do absolutely nothing. We can sit and talk and smoke for hours...or days really. The whole situation is pretty futile though. He's going to Sarasota in a month, and neither of us wants to deal with the distance, or commitment. I like him a lot though, and that makes it tough. I wasn't expecting that. i was thinking we would hang out, maybe something would happen, and then we'd never see each other again. But I should've known myself better than that, I guess. Maybe I'm just being stupid about that too. I think I'm more interested in him than he is in me, which is my usual situation when it comes to guys. Well, ok, that's not true. He calls, and invites me over all the time, so maybe I just feel more invested because I'm lonely and paranoid. We actually made a pro-con list about us being in a relationship. It was pretty funny.
I also feel like a let down to those who have tried to be there for me. Asha basically told me to face my actions, and that I can't fault anyone but myself for what's going on, which is true, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I've been so flaky, sorry everyone.
I just want school to start so I can do my work and not think about this stuff anymore.
I feel boring. I have nothing to say to people anymore. |
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| as long as I don't run out of cigarettes... |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|08:38 pm] |
I am honest to god so bored.
I am working on my final, but I just can't focus. It only needs another 1/2 page, so I'm not worried. I still feel like I'm being blacklisted, even when others tell me I'm not. Somehow, I still don't get called when things happen. Maybe they're just trying to avoid an awkward situation because they invite richard? I don't know, but it still seems unfair. I could call someone. But I won't because I feel like I'm imposing or some stupid shit. and I have to work, and finish this exam, so I'm bound by time as well. I want to run away. People keep saying I don't seem like myself, but this is exactly how I was before I was dating richard. This is me, by myself. I go missing for days. I don't call anyone. I brood. I'm up and down. I'm angry and carefree. it's a weird mixture. hey, look at that, I'm writing. Something else I do when I'm alone. My situation is in some ways liberating, and in other ways trapped. I can do what I want when and where I want, but I don't know what I want to do. I have done a couple of stuid things, including saturday night. maybe I need to stop thinking. or start thinking more? who knows. |
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| I think it was chicken, maybe I'm a chicken. |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|02:37 pm] |
I dreamt I was eating out of an ashtray. I had to pick around the butts to get to the food, which somehow still tasted good. Maybe that's just my life right now, avoiding the bad and focusing on the small amount of good.
I also had a dream about archery...but it's a little fuzzy.
dream dictionary?
To see or use an ashtray in your dream, suggests that you are trying to rid yourself of former feelings/memories and your old ways. It symbolizes relationships that have been extinguished and no longer intact.� Alternatively, it may be related to feelings of anxieties or connected to your smoking habit, especially if you are trying to quit.
hah, o really?
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| Happy Birthday to me..... |
[May. 7th, 2008|09:53 pm] |
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hey, I can legally drink now. Just add it to the list of my amazing abilities. |
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| Writer's Block: Hell Hath No Fury |
[May. 2nd, 2008|10:46 pm] |
haha, my roomate emily, who makes me angry almost everyday. asha agrees! emily called asha today (asha obligingly put her on speaker) and I heard all about her lame life and how she won't be coming to the party because she doesn't want to pay for teh gas to drive up here (the place where she LIVES) ugh, she's such a lame slut. |
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| three fives is fifteen and you have nobs |
[May. 2nd, 2008|01:55 am] |
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My great grand father passed away. I'm pretty bummed about it. I'm scared for my grandma, because she can't live alone, and she's so far away in Denver. I thought about him all day. Playing cribbage with him, and shooting pool. he used to give me candy and take me to the zoo. He liked the stock market a LOT. He took me to the mountains and showed me the quartz that's just everywhere. He was funny and nice and kicked my ass at cards everytime except once. I skunked him. it felt great. The worst part is, everyone seems fine with it. I was expecting to hear my mom cry, but she didn't. Even grandma margaret just said "it was kinda bad, but he was old, and he didn't suffer" I just wish I could have spent more time with him. He wasn't even my great grand father by blood, but I never knewe that till I was 18 or so. He never treated me different. we were all his grandkids. He was a great man and he is missed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2008|11:26 pm] |
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I've noticed (by looking through my archive...) that I used to have a trend in posting verey short blurbs about my life.
now I barely write anymore.
So, I am resolving to try and post more often, even if it's just short blurbs!
I wish my boyfriend would drive faster!
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| It's true! |
[Mar. 30th, 2008|05:52 pm] |
I love love love love love my boyfriend.
Why?
Because he sat with me in the hospital for four hours and never left my side. Even when he was hungry.
I had a kidney infection and some major dehydration, so I was on an IV drip for four hours. No, worries I'm fine!
not much to report about it. I'm still tired from everything, but most of the pain is gone :D
That's all I have to say right now. |
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| I miss you guys |
[Mar. 15th, 2008|11:45 pm] |
So, seeing everyone was the absolute best thing ever.
Mia's wedding was gorgeous and I'm so happy for her and proud of her and...a million other emotions.
It's amazing how little has changed between all of us, and yet we ourselves have changed.
It made me think of all the what ifs and could have beens.
It made me wish I had started driving sooner, for some reason.
It made me realize that I miss high school a little.
It made me realize I have regrets, which isn't a bad thing.
I wish I had taken more pictures.
I liked how small the wedding was. I liked that I was able to make eye contact with the beatiful bride and smile at her as she beamed back at me. The whole room was aglow, and that radiance made its way from the hotel all the way to ybor city. The bride and groom sat atop thier thrones and surveyed their friends and family. It was so warm and joyous. I sat amongst my friends whom I love dearly. We laughed and reminiced and ate wonderful food. there are so few times in life when things are this perfect, but yesterday was. Staying up late playing apples to apples and deciding that ninjas are more violent than the attack on pearl harbor. It was the best day in a long time. |
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| the new puppy |
[Feb. 24th, 2008|01:09 pm] |
so, the dog in the original post did not make it. Little lucy died before my family could come pick her up, and so they got a different puppy and named her nina. Here she is!
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| HEY LOOK!!!!!! |
[Jan. 27th, 2008|12:34 pm] |
this is my mom's new dog which will come home with her in 3 weeks! it's a little girl, and if you have any cute names to propose, it would be very helpful. names we are considering:
Persephone
Cleo(patra)
Frida
Lucy
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2008|05:27 pm] |
Oh my God. O my god!
so Emily came home today. I walked in at 5pm whne I'm JUST getting home from class and I've been at school sinice 9 am. Here's what I get:
"hey, I put a note on the fridge, but I'm waiting till everyone gets home to talk to all of you about it."
"uh...ok, what's it about?"
"well, all my alcohol is gone, and some of my cherry cordials are missing"
"o man, I told people not to drink your alcohol"
"well, yeah, but I think those people need a talking to"
mind you, there were 20+ people coming in and my apartment on saturday. I tried to tell people not to drink my roomates alcohol, but I can't control them. I can't. I don't need this when I'm hella tired and I just came through awful 5pm traffic.
She also told me about how we have gnats. Gee, I know, I live here too. I've killed a few, but it's not an infestation. there have been about 5-10 of them. not too many. But this was cause for her to air out the apartment and apparently throw things out. surprise! we just cleaned the frisge out last week. I doubt things are that bad. gnats are attracted to FRUIT and asha and I threw out the fruit that was on the counter. ta freaking da. if any of my stuff is gone, I will be very angry.
ugh and I can hear her messing around in the kitchen which makes me not want to go in there and get my dinner. |
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| don't come near! |
[Jan. 10th, 2008|10:15 pm] |
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I am very very sick. Fever (102) cough (productive), body aches, stuffy nose, unable to sleep without assistance fom pills.
death eminent
stuff, up for grabs
tell everyone I love them!
j/k
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